Stress, as well all know, can affect us in a variety of different ways. Some studies show that chronic stress is associated to a decrease in sexual desire and satisfaction in both men or women. Other studies show that sex can relieve stress or anxiety because it releases hormones, like oxytocin, which reduces the hormones that tell us we are stressed. People all respond differently and if you are with a partner whose response is opposite to yours during a stressful time period it may be what brought you to the internet and reading this article. 

Talking to Your Partner About Stress and Sex

When taking to your partner about sex the key to success is there is no one to blame. The collaborative approach is best because it is something you both need each other’s support to overcome. This requires an open and honest communication on both sides in order to identify where the stress is originating from or perhaps collectively accumulating from a multitude of tiny stressors.

Tips for Starting a Healthy Conversation About Sex:

• Location, location, location - Many of us have heard the phrase “there is a time and place for everything”. Helpful hint - The bedroom is not the place for a conversation about sex life difficulties because we want that room to still feel sexy when the time is right. An imprint of “remember that time we talked about our fail of a sex life” should not be in a location you spend time in daily. Pick a neutral place that is comfortable for both of you. It can be a hike trail, a nice outdoor patio at a uncrowded restaurant, sitting in your favorite living room chairs or any other neutral area where you are able to talk openly. 

• Timing- Bringing up the topic while one of you is rushed or distracted, after sex, or on the way to an event is not the best time. Planning it out in advanced when both partners can speak without a time constraint is best. 

• Be Honest and Open- Sharing your fear, desire, concern, and expectations is a vulnerable place to be but starting this way allows both partners to feel secure in what they are sharing. It allows our partner to feel the same in reciprocation of sharing their own fear, desires, concerns and expectations in your shared sex life.  

• Open-ended Questions- To ensure the conversation is balanced and nonjudgemental it can be useful to ask open ended questions. These are questions that can not be answered with a simple “yes” or “no” such as “How can I support you?” Or “What do you feel about trying _______?”

• Know When to Stop Talking- Sex is an intimate and personal topic which can cause a person to be defensive; this is natural. If the conversation is becoming heated then it may be time to consider a mediator such as a counselor or sex therapist to assist in having a healthy and productive conversation where both partners feel supported. 

Some Topics to be Explored Could Be:

Unpaid work-Is the unpaid work that has to be done in the household evenly distributed to where you both are receiving support? There is a lot of work that has to be done with laundry, house cleaning, lawn care, deciding meals, taking care of pets, and other people in the household. This can mount up over time without anyone realizing it and it may be time to redistribute some tasks to lower the stress. 

Family- Are there family stressors that are identified that could be long term? Identifying ways to decompress is important and even more so when it carries a large emotional weight. Finding ways to decompress together can be helpful such as exercising, couch cuddle time, or time with friends to take your mind into a new space can allow for stress to be soothed. 

Medical issues- Are there underlying medical issues that affect sex drive? There are many medications, such as those for the treatment of depression, chronic pain, hormone imbalances, thyroid disease and more that affect a persons sex drive. This may be an area where speaking with a sex therapist could be supportive if your healthcare provider believes a medication side affect is not the primary cause for a loss in sexual interest. 

Condition Requirements- Are there certain conditions you or your partner need to have sex? Some partners thrive under heightened stress, the use of certain drugs, or use of alcohol in order to have sex. This may be a place of concern and one that working with a sex therapist may be needed. 

What Type of Therapy to Consider:

Individual Therapy

Individual therapy may be a good option if the stress is based in negative thought patters or negative emotions about yourself. This is where working one-on-one with a therapist to understand how those thoughts may contribute to you or your partner’s stress. Once identified, you can then begin discussing ways to manage stress so that it does not interfere with other aspects of your life. These could included different coping skills, and therapy modalities such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) to start to challenge those negative thoughts and lower their negative emotional impact.

Couples Therapy

In marriage counseling or couples therapy both partners work with a therapist in a joint session. These sessions are to work on areas identified as stress inducing to lower their influence, and apply coping skills that can support each other. The therapist can also foster open communication, increase skills to manage conflicts, and strengthen trust in the relationship so that both partners gain a better understanding of each other. 

Sex Therapy

Sex Therapy is a specialized type of talk therapy that focuses on sexual issues. It can be offered to individuals or to couples to support expressing, clarifying, or communicating sexual needs more clearly. In sex therapy you will be given activities that can be completed as a couple or individually to explore attitudes, beliefs, or thoughts around the topic of sex. Seeing a  sex therapist can also diagnose any disorder that could be the cause of the stress. Examples of possible diagnosis can be for biological men, male erectile dysfunction; or for biological females, female sexual interest/arousal disorder. Speaking with a trained Sex Therapist can assist in knowing if there is a disorder causing a significant amount of distress typically lasting for at least six months. 

Sex Therapy can be integrated to both individual therapy and couples therapy. It is natural to experience fluctuations in sexual desire but if that stress is negatively impacting your sex life than talk to your partner and consider a professional. Therapy is meant to strengthen your relationship skills with others and improve your health. Most even offer a free consultation so that you feel comfortable moving forward when speaking about such a vulnerable topic. 

Reach out for a free fifteen minute consultation with me today to get started.