Does What “Turns Me On” Change?
In sex therapy we commonly will discuss what “turn on(s)” or “turn off(s)” are for a individual or a couple. I imagine this would be expected to be done in sex therapy but what always surprises people is to identify for themselves that they have changed over time. The simple answer to the question “Does what turns me on change?” is based on so many things, but ultimately the answer is yes. Let me explore with you why that is!
If we were to ask someone if they are the same person now as they were ten years ago I usually would get a guffawed look with an utterance of “God, I hope not”. We naturally change base on life’s circumstances, environmental changes, financial changes, relationships born or ended. There are so many changes that can take place over time that we do have to recognize that they influence our make up on who we are today. Well, it will also influence what can turn you on sexually or turn you off. All of our brains have a perception of a sensation that is dependent on context. If your partner was kissing on your neck, when you are already feeling turned on, it can enhance your pleasure. However, if they are kissing your neck, and you’re pissed off as hell, they have just enhance your irritation so they should begin to run away! It is the same sensation, but the differences in context has now changed how you received the action of a kiss on your neck.
One of the main culprits that can hinder being turned on is stress. Stress has a lot to do with how our brain interprets things as everything in your brain, when you are stressed, could be a potential threat. We come back to that word: context! Let’s take a young mother as an example. She is experiencing stress at work, child pickups, cleaning, cooking, different healthcare appointments, and there just always seems to be something on the list of to do. Her new turn on may be watching her partner take on some household chores, or an extra child pickup so she can attend a hair appointment. When she gets home she may be aroused and wanting intimacy because her stress levels dropped and now she potentially is turned on! As opposed to the opposite state of arousal and feelings when they walk in the door and she just spent the last twenty minutes corralling a child after soccer practice. Your brain can do magical things, when you are turned on, anything can be interpreted as sex-related. We just have to learn to regulate the brains stress levels by using decompression outlets. What those outlets are might be something counseling can be helpful with in discovering.
Feeling confident and healthy are also components that change over time to potentially affect our sex lives. Our bodies at different stages of life do change. This can be based on many things such as physical trauma, giving birth, weight fluctuations, etc. It can be difficult to be accepting of our bodies changes and adapting to that change is important to having a healthy sex life. It is hard to be turned on if thoughts pop up of “well they won’t find me attractive” or “I can’t perform like I use too”. These types of thoughts can be created in any context and it is enough to slam on the breaks so that we do not feel turned on, lowering our desire for sex or even to initiate self-pleasure. There is no right or wrong way on how to feel but there is a way to change how our brain is setting off the frequency of those thoughts to be experienced. It can also be related to pain experienced in our body. Adding therapy to a medical care team is often found helpful to not only enhance pleasure but also your over all wellbeing to adapt to how your body is today.
An important part to remember for all is to communicate and experiment (alone or with others). It is about feeling confident to try new things or have new conversations. We may find out that at this time we are truly turned on by Rihanna’s song “Sex with Me” rather than Marvin Gaye’s song "Sexual Healing”. Just imagine the fun to be had by simply google searching “songs that make you turned on” and experimenting with a play list to notice how they make you feel! Communicating with our partner(s) about what turns us on or off, based on context, can also be stimulating and educational. You can learn more in a single conversation that can change the next couple years rather than have it alone in your mind where you wish you did.
If you want to learn more about how sex therapy can be integrated into therapy lets talk. Click here to ask.