Do I Fight Fair? Part of that is Understanding our Role in the Fight

Conflict is often a primary reason couples desire to meet with a therapist. Through attending couples counseling, many obtain skills that allow them to better understand the importance of managing conflict rather than winning one. Don’t get me wrong, it feels great to win and we are conditioned to desire that in many aspects of our life. However, is it really “winning” when its against someone we love? It means that our loved one is the “loser”. Do we want to create the feelings of “losing” or perhaps we can create a feeling of security where we both are double winners. 

Doing this while in a fight will not be helpful. However, Gottman’s research showed that they ability to admit your role in a fight is crucial to managing conflict, ATTUNE, and building trust. Dr. John Gottman created ATTUNE as an acronym in building trust standing for: Awareness, Tolerance, Turning Toward, Understanding, Non-defensive listening, and Empathy. Couples who apply the skills that ATTUNE stands for find it assists them in building trust. Without trust you will notice that your partner may be start to hide their opinions, emotions, and use conflict-avoiding lies as their forms of managing conflict. After all, we learn conflict avoidant lies as toddlers to manage conflict. If we admit to Mom we ate the cookie before dinner she will be mad so its easier to say “I don’t know who ate the cookie” knowing full we well we ate it, and liked it! Not getting in trouble for it seems a safer option so a conflict-avoidant lie is provided. 

I need to attune to my partner, and couples counseling can help at any stage of a relationship to build that valuable skill that support the health of overall relationship. It will also lead help me know how I can process the fight, repair from it, and know if there is anything I am going through that supported the possibility I was fighting about something else entirely. Once calm I can check in to do a self inventory. Perhaps I noticed I have taken my spouse for granted, I have been really stressed and irritable lately. Even the possibility that I have been depressed lately, or I have not asked for what I need.  There are more questions I can ask myself as apart of the check in process but it is being honest about if the topic I am in conflict about it just about that conflict. Am I upset only about what we are in conflict about in this moment or am I pulling in other areas? It is acknowledging that is happening that is important for ourselves and for our partner. We are almost always wrong when we think we know what other people are thinking, but we are even more wrong when we think we know what they are thinking about us. Building self awareness of our roles in conflicts when we are calmer can help lighten a path to repairing after a conflict occurs while preventing them in the future. 

When we are ready to repair we will know because we feel calm enough to have the conversation without getting tied up in the emotionality of it again. We can be fully present for the conversation, and be aware of what is needed to start the repair. We can start with apologizing if need be with our partner’s preferred apology language or with something as simple as saying “Let me try again” or “I really blew that one huh”. Repairs do not need to be complicated, and can lead to managing a conversation that feels more productive for both of you. 

In this blog, examples are meant to be as generic as possible. Every relationship is unique and holds differences, so no advice is a one size fits all. We are all complicated, layered, and have multiple influencers to how we construct relationships with others. Individual therapy can be supportive prior to entering into couples therapy. Sometimes it is about working on ourselves prior to working with others included. You can decide this by asking yourself if you recognize anything, such as trauma from a previous relationship, watching parents argue, or even fear driving the fear that if you do X then Y can’t happen. This is where trauma counseling may be beneficial to pursue prior to couples counseling. Other areas to consider are cultural influences, neurodivergence differences, or mental health diagnosis that you are aware of but perhaps you have not ever involved a partner in your treatment. We may often safe guard our information when it comes to mental health. Telling our partner that we battle with depression, anxiety, or PTSD is part of it but we do not always share how they can support us in self-soothing when conflict is experienced that causes us to perhaps become in a panic mood anytime conflict is experienced. 

Couples counseling is learning to become the “We” from the “Me” that is the relationship. It is a skill set to learn the art of listening. Asking in relationships “what did you hear me say?” without planning the rebuttal out in our mind. To lower feelings that we need to defend ourselves against perceived criticism is an automatic fallback for our own emotional safety. To gain the skills, to be aware of it, allows for co-creating trust on both sides. The relationship will grow in trust where we can start to be vulnerable, feel heard, and know the commitment from our partner is built on both of us being winners. Conflict should not be negative. It is a part of the human experience and is a part of so many aspects in life. After all, we manage it at our workplace or we know we can lose our job. The same goes for our personal relationships in where we learn the skills to manage it so we don’t lose that person in our life. If you believe couples counseling can help, get in contact with me today to discuss the next steps to building your skill set to healthier, and more connected relationships.