How do I know if my family is toxic?
If you are asking yourself this question than you have already identified that your family may be toxic to you. When we are recognizing a need for boundaries within our family it is because we are noticing our own uncomfortably. The real focus is how I am recognizing that my family is toxifying my emotional, and mental wellbeing.
The first step is identifying who in my family is is making me go “ugh”. It is that feeling the need to shake when they come to mind, a pit in my stomach, or this sense of dread that “today I have to see…”. When we notice we are already preparing ourselves, what we are not noticing is the silent anxiety we are building. This anxiety is built as we walk into the door and see those family members. We are bracing ourselves, ready to find a room they are not in, and to avoid all conversation as quickly as possible. When we are children it’s easier because you can pull in a cover such as a cousin, sibling, or excuse so that we can leave the uncomfortable space. As adults that increasingly gets harder as now expectations to socialize have increased.
The second step is recognizing what about that person moves towards the dread. Is it something from their past behavior? Is it an area we disagree with or have no value in what they enjoy? What about this family member rubs us the wrong way? When we can recognize it we can learn to tolerate it or work on establishing a healthy boundary that lowers our own distress.
Working with a therapist can allow us to know if the anxiety we are experiencing is due to intergenerational trauma. This type of trauma is passed down between generations so for example: I never felt my mother was accepted into my fathers family. Now, anytime I see my grandmother I am always on edge due to awaiting, what I feel, is judgement. She is just always telling me what is wrong in my life- you should have a romantic partner, you gained too much weight, you would be more attractive if your hair was longer. These experiences growing up can make it so that as an adult I am always stressed in attending holiday celebrations with her. With a therapist you can establish healthy boundaries, build coping skills, and connect to understand yourself through applied methods such as Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Internal Family Systems (IFS), or Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT). Working with a therapist can help so that holiday meetings does not produce anxiety and allows you to focus on enhancing the opportunity to interact with those around you. Learn about about our trauma therapy services to see how we can support you in building healthier relationships with those around you.